Category: Joe

*Cobbler was a member of Thy Old English Club in high school and thus able to converse in old English
**Cobbler had ran out of things to say in old English but had plenty to say as a pirate
^Not available at really big city for $9π/7

The tsetse flies were saved from their inability to sleep and immediately celebrated by sleeping though the entire day of Jumpbary. Throughout the village cobbler could hear the sounds of sleeping flies, the calmed breathing, the loud snoring, and the gurgling and choking of flies drowning in the rising waters. Cobbler suddenly realized something was amiss, why were the screams and cries of flies talking in their sleep? Cobbler realized another thing, he was standing in a foot of water (the lack of sleep has made Cobbler a bit slow). Cobbler needed to warn the all the sleeping flies but how could he? They were all asleep and it would be rube for him to wake them all up just to tell them not to drown, but on the other hand it would be a bit rube to let them all die. Cobbler decided that he would consult the book of random rudeness.

‘When at someone else’s house for dinner, it is rude to raid the fridge using an air strike force, however a land or sea one is not.’

Seeing as a sea strike force is considered to be polite Cobbler decided that he would not wake up the flies as he would be interfering with the actions of the polite water.
“Ye olde BWAHAHA!!!” screamed a surprisingly sophisticated sounding voice “Thy vile strongholds of mass art no match for the immense constitutional properties of this water!”
“Forsooth it doth be Puddenhead” cried Cobbler* “Thy vile tricks shall come to no avail!”
“Oh Ye of little intellectual standing” retorted Puddenhead “You are a blind follower of the evil gravity and thus I pay you no heed. Thine words are bold but thy allegiance is misplaced, for gravity doth be the most vile thing of all creation! It doth go against the very core of what is right and thus must be eliminated post hast!”
“Avast ye scurvy lawyer**!” exclaimed Cobbler “You are just here to plunder and pillage, all in the name of saving our village!”
“Thy rhyme is impressive but thy argument is not, do you not know the reasons for my actions? The forces of gravity are indeed still strong, although the destruction of the earth hath weakened it. There still resides a stronghold of vile gravity in this place and thus it must be defeated. In order to do this noble deed I decided to use the vile force against itself, I shall cover the gravity with water that will weight down on it and crush it into oblivion.” And with that Puddenhead pulled out a big box of dehydrated water^ and dumped it into the rising flood waters, causing it to flood faster.
“Arr, ye trickery will be tolerated no more, I challenge ye to a duel, TO THE DEATH (or a really bad side ache)” At this Cobbler pulled out his emergency medieval lawyer versus pirate tsetse fly dueling kit.
“Thy words boast of valor but thy appearance tells a different story. I accept thy challenge but shall warn thee that you shall fall prey to my superior skill, FORSOOTH!!” at this Puddenhead charged screaming at Cobbler with such force that Cobbler though about running, but then he looked down at his emergency dueling kit and something caught his eye. It was a soft fluffy looking feather and suddenly Cobbler remembered something, he had left his oven on, but then he remembered that he didn’t even own an oven, and then he remembered what he had really remembered, the tickle! (hehe ho hoo hap) Cobbler whipped out that feather and promptly tickled Puddenhead to death (or a really bad side ache). With the demise of Puddenhead (or his intense abdominal discomfort) the vile waters receded until they were needed again to do the bidding of a nefarious gravity hater (or maybe they just went for an early lunch). Cobbler rushed back to his village to save them from drowning and to show them of the amazing discovery he had remembered to discover.

*4 out of 5 Davids agree that French words have too many unnecessary letters.
**A Ted is a unit of work approximately equal to the amount of work that Ted can do which is equal to 21.58 kJ according to Hibbeler 247

The grand overseeing council of the tsetse flies (consisting of a crazy old fly and the very wise voice in his head) can up with two plans for fixing the problem of trying to sleep with the constant Canadian that Blockflöten had directly caused, but was also indirectly caused by Cobbler, one which involved hurling him into the sea and hope that he finds his was to Canada (Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?) where he would be integrated into their society and become a contributing member of the aforementioned society in Canada, the other, being one which involved using extremely long run-on sentences, caused an extensive debate on how in the world this could actually work, as a run-on sentence dose nothing but seriously annoy the reader but usually has no effect whatsoever on the characters described in the sentence as they do not directly interact with the letters and words, let alone the sentences and them adhering to or ignoring the commonly accepted codes of grammar, however this sparked another controversy on whether there were any commonly accepted codes of grammar because, after all, different places have vastly different ideas on what makes a grammatically valid sentence, such as the difference between the tsetse flies, who insist on the presence of a subject and verb as opposed to the French who insist that for a series of words to be a sentence at least 50% of the letters must be unnecessary*, luckily the mention of French brought the topic of conversation to countries that speak French and then to Canada which got the discussion back to how to solve the previously mentioned problem of sleeping under the influence of Canada which led back to the question whether a run-on sentence could have any influence on the people described in the previously mentioned sentence, however this discussion was interrupted by some crazy fly who was somehow convinced that they were currently living in a run-on sentence and that they would cease to exist when the period came and ended the sentence, but of course this silly notion was dismissed by the flies because it was so utterly and completely nonsensical and it even made then realize that the plan to throw the Blockflöten into the ocean was also nonsensical, ridiculous, unreasonable, absurd, silly and insane but ordinary circumstances require ordinary solutions and this was no ordinary circumstance, so with out much further ado, delay or postponements (there is only a little ado left) the crazy old fly grabbed Blockflöten and threw him into the ocean accomplishing the work of .35 Teds** as the voice in his head concluded saying: “The ways of mice and flies may change like the winds but no matter what they do during the night in the morning the sea still rises.”

^mice are notorious for being bad at estimation
^^In the backside of the page, the word “police” refers to the fuzz that grows when an old bagel is dipped in chicken-flavored mud.
**Les langues officielles du Canada sont anglaises et françaises
*Canada’s official languages are English and French**
°Peter complained aboot this part, eh?
°°The hair belongs to Joe, but it’s on Cobbler’s head.

“Noo! Not the afro of…” cried Cobbler but he was interrupted by a totally random guy with a giant “Hello, my name is Joe” sticker on his back who fell out of his hair and landed on him
“Arg! How did I end up in the hair? That’s just disgusting; there were a bunch of lice taking advice from some nice mice that twice used a device that changed rice into ice-covered dice, Yeawk! I hate rhymes!” Joe (the random one) screamed and ran off into the distance, leaving Cobbler alone with the afro.
“What’s (Squeakity) wrong with (Squeak) that guy?” asked a mouse from the afro, “He started (Squeak) yelling about (SQUEAK!!) rhymes and (Squawk?) rhymeaphobia and (Squeak) having words (Squeak) close in (Squeak) one him (Squeak) or something (Squeak) like that. (Squeak)”
“Yeah, he was really (Squeak!) about the (Squeak!)” said another mouse.
“Squeak, Squeaken, Squeaked, Moo!” interjected a third.
“Wait a minute!” cried Cobbler, “how many mice are in this afro anyway?”
“Huh, that’s a tough question, mice count everything in base 5.123 so it’s really hard to count past 5, but don’t worry I estimate that there are only about 4 mice in your hair^’ reassured the first mouse.
“Well four isn’t too bad, you can stay as long as you don’t cause too much trouble.”said Cobbler said as he headed off towards his home.
The path to Cobblers home was a very dangerous one, there were massive berry-flavored lava pits with vicious banana-flavored ones hidden amongst them. After the lava was the Forest of Whoa, a forest the full of talking trees saying things like, “Whoa, my moss grows in the dark” and “Whoa, that tree just talked”. After the forest is the worst thing of all, the Caverns of Confusions, which is made up of a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. Normally, Cobbler would just fly over all these dangerous things and have a relatively easy trip. However, the extra weight of the afro and the estimated four mice weighed him down so much that he couldn’t get over the peak of the mountain. He strained and tried but he just wasn’t strong enough. And then, with his strength gone, he plummeted down towards the sharp rocky floor below him in the Caverns of Confusion.
FOOOP! (Squeak) POOOF!
Luckily for Cobbler and his band of merry mice, the giant afro happened to be very fluffy and squishy and thus it prevented the injury of everyone (except for that one mouse that was stationed at the lookout post who was turned into a pancake). Cobbler arose and looked around the cave. It was a normal-looking cave. In fact, it was a regular cave.
“Hmm, I wonder why they call this the Caves of Confusion if nothing is con – EEWW! Yuk! Yak! yew!” cried Cobbler as he tripped over a mouse-pancake, “This pancake looks like a mouse but it tastes like a pancake, that’s very confusion.” Cobbler tried to regain his composure, but, before he could, he saw the following sing.

Cobbler was greatly confused, what is a welcometo or a cavernsof? And aren’t informational display units usually called signs and not sings? Cobbler was greatly disturbed at the confusion, but he continued deeper into the caves because he was sure that was the way to get home. That certainty quietly faded as he lost his dialect and found himself in a Canadian paragraph.
“Well, how aboot that eh?” cried Cobblour “I feel like being bilingual!”* Cobblour wandered further down the tunnel but now he had some purpose, eh? He now could be used as an English-to-Canadian translator to speak to the migrant-pickling labour forces imported from the East, eh?
“Alors, qu’est-ce qui c’est que ça?” Cobblour a crié. “J’ai envie
d’être bilingue!” Cobblour a erré dans le tunnel, mais avec quelque but
maintenant. On peut l’utiliser comme traducteur anglais-canadien, pour
parler aux ouvriers migrants qui faisait les conserves au vinaigre°
Cobbler shuddered as he escaped from the Canadian paragraph. Who knows what would have happened if he had been there longer? Luckily, he seemed to have escaped with no adverse affects.
“Gasp!” Unluckily cried a mouse from Joe’s hair°° “Blockflöten the German exchange mouse is acting really weird”
“To…much…Canada…eh?…eh?…Eh?…eH?…eh?” Screamed Blockflöten “Eh?…eh?…Ca-na-ni-DA!…eh?…EH??”
Luckily Cobbler never cared for the mice in Joe’s hair anyway, unluckily Blockflöten wouldn’t be (eh?..eH?…He??…Eh?…how aboot that? Eh? Eh? Eh?) quiet. Luckily Cobbler had some Earploogs of Silence from Gustav Da Gooda himself! “Unlookily, I, Gustav Da Gooda, must take my Earploogs of Silence back.”

Luckily Cobbler found his was back home, unluckily Blockflöten’s condition kept the flies from sleeping. Luckily, Cobbler ran out of chapter, thus ending the lucky and unlucky things early.

months

*see appendix β for the calendar used on the back side of the page.
**Constantly Electrocuted Organisms
***A cobbler is basically a pie that is square, thus π2 = Cobbler.

After a long 3 month conflict (it started on Estándo Biéndolos 3rd and ended on the 54th of Appothymer)*, the War of The Farmers finally ended at the battle of fertilizer hill.
The War of the Farmers was started when two farmers go into an argument about what vegetables kids hate the most. The House of Pork was losing the battle due to the lack of food (their pigs were too useful in battle for them to be eaten) and the constant bombardment of giant cucumbers from the opposing side, the House of Lamb Castles. The giant cucumbers could be used for food but it was too dangerous to harvest them because of the threat of being squashed by cucumbers from the sky. The turning point in the wars was when the radioactive tsetse flies were found to be indestructible, and were sent out to retrieve the cucumbers form the battle grounds and forced to work in pickle factories making rations for the soldiers (radioactive flies were not used as soldiers because of there tendency to be easily distracted by all the garbage and debris on the battlefield). Problems arose when it was discovered that the tsetse flies had been using cheap tiny plastic imitation cucumbers because they would get very bad headaches when they were hit from the giant falling cucumbers. This caused an outrage from the soldiers, not because they didn’t like the plastic pickles (they were actually much better tasting than the alternative, a synthetic polymer version of a brine and vinegar treated fruit form the Cucumis Sativus plant) but because an unknown third party promised to give them a bunch of free candy if they protested against the tsetse flies and their nefarious cost cutting schemes.
The House of York revoked the pickle pickling license form the tsetse flies and had the “Candy Store and Pickle Factory that Definitely Doesn’t Secretly use Tsetse Fly Slave Labor” produce their pickle products. This further caused the flies to become oppressed because in reality the “Candy Store…” place actually did secretly uses tsetse fly for slave labor (except for their Canadian subsidiary that used them for slave labour). The only other jobs available for large radioactive flies were even worse than slave labor, like being crash-test dummies, cleaning dorms or being CEO’s** of multi billion dollar corporations.
One of the worst off tsetse flies was Radium Enriched Tsetse Fly Number 9.8696044… (often shortened to Rad Rich Fly num. ππ [usually further shortened to RaEF #π^2 {shortened even further to Cobbler*** (which is not usually shortened to Cob)}]). One of the problems Cobbler had that even though he was rather large for a tsetse fly he was rather small for a radioactive tsetse fly. He also had a very hard time filling out official paperwork because it took a very long time to write out his full official name due to the fact that it had 29 characters followed by an infinite series of numbers after it. The worst problem Cobbler had was that he was a Sus scrofa biting amplification, intensification and weaponization tester, so he basically spent his time being bitten by angry pigs with various types of dentures designed to maximize damage done per bite as well as the BPM (bites per minute).Cobbler was one of best employees at the testing facility, mostly because he got laryngitis and thus couldn’t scream very loud, and was rewarded by being the only tester they kept after the War of the Farmers was over.
Sadly Cobbler’s life was going to get even worse, for he had dared to argue against the Narrator, a most foolish and…
“Wait!” cried Cobbler, “I never argued with the narrator, I heard what happened to that poor fool, Joe. I would never argue with the almighty Narrator”
Suddenly Cobbler realized that he had in fact argued with the Narrator about arguing with the Narrator, and thus the Narrator was right when he said the Cobbler had argued with him, the Narrator.
“That’s not fair, you tricked me! I’ll report you to the Writer!”
Sadly Cobbler didn’t realize that the writer is probably the same person and thus will probably take the side of the Narrator, and thus the Narrator will unleash horrible doom upon the argumentative Cobbler.
(Luckily for Cobbler the Writer is slightly annoyed at the Narrator and thus will only allow the Narrator to give Cobbler Joe’s blue afro.)
Pow? Blueafaummmm!!!

Chapter 9
A large fat squirrel named Chernobyl ate a vat of radium making him very radioactive.

Chapter 10
Because of poor sanitation a large number of tsetse flies appeared and started tickling people, but were stopped because they were easily squished.

Chapter 11
The radioactive squirrel Chernobyl is abandoned by everyone he ever knew, but he meets some tsetse flies and makes them radioactive as well, causing them to grow large in size and to become indestructible, because of their previous reign of terror the tsetse flies are oppressed are forced into pickle making causing them to subsequently lose their little possessions in the great pickle market crash.

The radioactive squirrel, Chernobyl is totally alone
Everyone has abandoned him, his friends, family, and even his clone
He went out to search the whole land for people that could be his new friends
He gave people prizes, like automobiles and personalized pens
He found some nice friendly trolls, but sadly they had been turned into stone

A fly looked for food
He met a squirrel who’s rude
The squirrel had a nasty green glow
It made flies shine bright as snow
Radiation spewed

Tsetse flies
Become oversize
fly fast
They’re unsurpassed
Covered skies

The tsetse flies are now radioactive flying machines of doom
No mere mortal or earthbound foe can force them into an early tomb
They fear no swatters made of human hands nor the hammer of great Thor
Stone walls cannot stop them, neither can wood floors, hard ceilings, or big doors
There’s nothing found in all the earth that can make the tsetse flies go BOOM!

Luckily for mankind
Tsetse flies are very kind
They do not remember the tickle
They’re busy making pickles
They can be confined

They get no respect
Everything’s wrecked
Destroyed
Annoyed
Far from perfect

The radioactive tsetse flies are now though of as second-class
They get to receive nothing first, they are always given their pick last
Flies have no money, status, authority, wealth, riches or power
They have not strength, friends, wellbeing, associates, or even good health
Their one day goal is to be considered citizens that’s middle-class

Pickle get recalled
Prices for fly pickles fall
They lost their jobs, and all their profit
This wasn’t seen by the prophet
Flies have lost it all

Flies are mistreated
They feel cheated
Oppressed
Depressed
Flies are defeated

No sanitation
Rotting garbage everywhere
KABLAM! Plague o’ flies

Genus Glossina
A creature that flies around
It’s a tsetse fly

Flies in your coffee
Swimming in all the caffeine
Hyper tsetse flies

Zipping here and there
Moving too fast to be caught
Beware tsetse flies

Flies with little wings
Wings that flutter and tickle
Hee hee hohuhap

It makes people laugh
Laughing so hard that they cry
Side aches hurt a lot

Luckily they’re small
Tsetse flies squish easily
Troubles averted

Tickle is no more
The flies now fear getting squished
The whole world is saved

There once was a rather large vat
It was full of this and some that
It had a nice fine sheen
It glowed with bright green
T’was Radium inside the vat

Chernobyl was large and very fat
He liked to eat things that weren’t flat
He scoured the whole earth
For stuff to fill his girth
So he found and devoured the vat

The vat made Chernobyl glow real bright
It made him into a nice night-light
It made him super slim
And strengthened his right limb
It also gave him super tall height

Chernobyl’s stomach started to ache
It jerked and twitched and started to shake
It bubbled and boiled
And felt like it spoiled
He thought eating that vat, a mistake

The squirrel is finally all filled
However he didn’t feel too thrilled
He now glowed in the dark
And his fingers could spark
But he’s glad that he hadn’t been killed