Month: June 2010

Project exploding cabbage was a complete failure, even sales of excess exploding cabbage “fruit” baskets had slowed to a standstill and the tickling of the flies was as strong as ever. The ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) needed to find a new hero to save the world (and boost sales at the candy store) and thus the candy store (and it’s owner) ran a contest to select the next to take the task of saving the world from the flies (and sell more candy). Prospective heroes from the farthest reaches of the universe were brought in (actually the search only went out 30 feet in each direction) to compete in an epic show of heroic feats such as the jaw crusher competition (who can eat the most jawbreakers), the trial of decay (who has the least cavities after eating a bunch of candy) and the test of strength (who can carry the most candy). Sadly all the contestants succumbed to the stresses and rigors of the trials (they didn’t buy enough candy).
The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) devised a new better contest, one so great and so sure of succeeding that it was guaranteed to get the job done (or it costs double). A massive board was brought in containing the names of anyone deemed suitable to be the next hero (the main requirement was that their names were easy to spell). To select from the wide array of well qualified potential heroes a sophisticated selection device was brought in. The device was a small cylinder with a sharp point on one end and fin-like projections on the other end. In the layman’s eye it may have appeared to be a dart but it was obviously as much more complex device. The “dart” was launched with high velocity, utilizing its unique aerodynamic properties it homed in on the best hero contained on the board (or at least that is what its box claimed). The device struck the board landing right in the middle of one of the hero’s name. The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) sent to bring in the chosen hero.

The plan devised by the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) was set into action. The cabbages were grown in a secret facility three houses down fro m the flies stronghold (while the facility would be more secretive in a more remote location tsetse flies are notorious for being unobservant and close proximity greatly reduces the transportation costs) meanwhile a team of top scientists were devising a device to place the cabbages in that would look like a fruit basket to the untrained eye (while fruit baskets were available for comparison purposes they could not be used in the final design as it is a fruit basket and cabbages are not fruits)
Despite minor setbacks the project was progressing well, until disaster struck, due to rising cost of ingredients the tsetse flies stopped having optic soup except on special holidays. The plan seemed destined for failure until the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) devised an even more brilliant plan than originally devised: the Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) could declare next Snerzo to be “Tsetse fly appreciation day (not a diabolical plot to evict the flies from this universe)”. Due to the flies’ generally trusting nature (and inability to read parenthetical statements) they would suspect nothing. With this new amended plan the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker)prepared for “Tsetse fly appreciation day”. The basket was created and carefully filled with nitroglycerin cabbages and then cleverly disguised as a fruit basket by placing a rotting banana peel on top. The Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) took the “fruit” basket to the door of the flies’ stronghold and rand the door bell.
Ding-Dong Splat!
The door fell open like a wet sponge and a tsetse fly wandered into the doorway.
“Ahoit!” greeted the fly “Are you interested in buying this fine encyclopedia set? It’s made of 110% chocolate and in the shape of a vacuum cleaner, every dollar you spend profits us two!”
“Uh” stammered the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) “How about you take this delicious looking fruit basket instead of trying to sell such silly stuff?”
“But today is ‘tsetse fly appreciation day’ how could giving us free first be an act of appreciation? It seems more like some sort of diabolical plot to ruin us!”
“Uh this can’t be a diabolical plot because this fruit basket is 100% non-cabbage, just look at the label” said the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) pointing out the “No cabbage guarantee or the food fights on us” tag.
“Well if it’s on a tag it must be true” conceded the fly as he reached for the basket, unfortunately his recent intake of optic soup had left him with such impaired vision that when he attempted to pick up the basket he instead grabbed a fistful of leaves form the nearby bush, thanked the basket and slammed the soggy door with enough force to cause the “fruit” basket to explode. The resulting explosion knocked the Hero of the Universe (and the candy store worker) unconscious resulting in missing 5 shifts at the candy store which the Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) declared to be not good enough thus the world was not saved.

The creation of the giant radioactive tsetse flies and the recent slew of typos spoke to the current disarray of the universe. Even the communist force of gravity had not been resisted. The poor management of the universe seemed to have a negative impact on all aspects of life. The speed of light had fallen 5.8% in this quarter alone, the kilogram has dropped to just under 930 grams, the lowest point in 40 years (65 if adjusting for the inflation of time, which has been quite rampant recently) , and the universal mass deficit is at an all time high. All industries had felt the effects of this universal chaos, except for one that is. The candy store (and its owner) had not only experienced no ill effects but were actually doing so well they were looking to expand and branch out into new fields, however the candy store (and its owner) were doing so well and the rest of the universe’s economy was in such disarray that everything else seemed small and insignificant in comparison. The revenues from the candy store (and its owner) were so vast that the entire universe could be purchased, and that is precisely what was done.
The economy swiftly recovered thanks to the expert management from the new Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner). Constants across the board were up to all time highs, typos had been eliminated in all but the most remote areas. The only issue that still remained was the scourge of the radioactive tsetse flies, but there was a plan in place, a grand Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) had been found to rid the land of the menace of the flies. The Hero of the Universe’s (and candy store worker’s) plan was a simple one; a special crop of cabbages would be grow, ones watered with not water but nitroglycerin, resulting in a very explosive vegetable. The modified cabbages would then be delivered in a fancy fruit basket to the flies’ stronghold on optic soup night. Upon seeing the massive fruit basket the flies would assume it to contain fruit and would thus save it for after their main course, upon finishing their meal the basket would be opened , and upon seeing cabbage and not fruit only one logical things could result, a massive food fight. Normally tsetse flies have rather good aim and thus the food fight would result in exploding cabbages exploding on indestructible radioactive flies which would not accomplish anything other than minor annoyances. However the basket would be delivered on optic soup night which would result in reduced hand-eye co-ordination of the flies, thus the cabbages would end up hitting everything but the invulnerable flies. Thus the food fight would result in the total destruction of the flies stronghold and because the flies’ insurance does not cover “destruction by exploding cabbages*” the flies would be forced to relocate to another universe with more affordable property and thus the universe would be saved.
The only thing to stand in the way of Hero of the Universe’s (and candy store worker’s) plan was that time off from work (at the candy store) needed to be requested two weeks in advance, by the tsetse flies’ dinner menu was only posted one week in advance. No way to rectify the situation could be found, one couldn’t just shirk the responsibilities of working (at the candy store) just to save the entire universe. The plan would have to be scrapped and the tsetse flies would win. But then the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) had a brilliant idea: the basket of exploding cabbage could be delivered after work (at the candy store).

Appendix_Gamma

*See Appendix γ for a mostly non typoed version
**In reality the speech by Tim was so riddled with typos that its original meaning has been forever lost.

The mop of angry fries surrounded the tall malls of the lace. Seeing know way in but up the fries took fright and quickly landed on the Tod of the building.
“Please don’t harm me” pleaded Tod “I’m only here because of some bizarre transcription error! I am completely !uuocәuti”
“You chain innocence but we believe you ton!” The wrench fries proclaimed “We shall make you day!” At this door Tod exploded in a rash of light. Tod winched as he started scratching his light. “Your feeble attempts to bash me will only end in you sailing!”
“That is what you thank!” Retorted the lead fry, “Your gracious attitude will end in room!” At this the fries tried to board their fail boats but it only resulted in sailing. The fries attempts to invade Tod were being thwarted by the intermittent typing mirrors. The mirrors made quite a daunting light, not as light as the rash of Tod, but right enough to offend the left handed fries who rolled out their weapons with the intent of mashing the mirrors. The mirrors, however, were to quack for the fries and with their new found duck-like reflexes they voided the attacks of the fries.
While the fries and mirrors were preoccupied trying to bill each other, Tod tried to sneak away without being caught in the accounting nightmare. Sadly his sneaking was two loads of a noise which attracted the attention of the fries and mirrors onto Tim.
“Wait!” wailed Tim “I’m a victim of the same circumstances that surrounded Tod, except that I am truly innocent of propagating the repeated typing errors. You need to help end this cycle, remember who you once were, you were not always fries but were flies until this random error struck. Continuing to spread these errors will only result in more chaos and disasters. This vicious cycle must be stopped and that starts with the last people to be affected.**
“Stopping these errors is a more difficult task than you say, one never knows when they might appear, burning the simplest phase into on of the upmost befaffelment!” staided a fry “revolsting against the errors is tudder intupidy!”
“Psag!” cried Tim, “The typos are becoming more sever than I ever thought possible!”
“Is there sonything that can be done to pretop these errors that won’t ensult win devestruction?”
“Do you not see that these errors have brought forth more destruction , more devastation, then they could ever cause if forced away. I have freed myself of such errors and I am perfractally pine!” at this Tim transploded into a typogramatical mess spluttering the ground with punctuation and unintelligent characters.
“Avost!” cried dumb pirate Andy “how arrre I getting here?”
“Ye fool” intruded stupid Joe the lesser of the Joes “Everyone knows pyrites ‘Avast’ and not ‘Avost’”
“It wasn’t Andy’s felt” medieval Mel the maniacal non-alliterative person stated “It doth be the cloth of the typos!”
“Then we doth need to shimber the tivers and buckle the swash of these vile typos, Arrrrhoy!” At this the three unintelligent characters rushed upon the typos with enough lack of knowledge to not know that there was no physical manifestation of a typo to destroy.

And thus the typos were destroyed (for the mast part)